A2B, Children & Parenting

In the Book  Dependency to Dignity. 2011 Schultz V, Buys A. the authors refers to 5 flies that contaminate the ointment of development. One such a fly is the fly of poor parenting.

FLY 3: POOR PARENTING

The Past

The ability to deliberately and optimally stimulate and develop a child is not a skill parents are born with. It is a skill which is externally acquired, firstly by acquiring it from transformative parents and further by much learning, sharing and reading in later life. During Apartheid in South Africa, the now socio-economically disempowered population was deprived of access to educational, economic and other growth-stimulating opportunities. This system could be blamed for the disruption of many families, as men were forced to seek work as manual labourers in the mines and factories, while families often stayed behind in the townships allocated for black people. Often both parents were forced to find work in faraway “white areas” leaving their children behind in the care of illiterate grandmothers or immature siblings. In this way a whole generation of disempowered people were raised and they now continue to raise the next disempowered generation. The disempowered gener

In the Book  Dependency to Dignity. 2011 Schultz V, Buys A. the authors refers to 5 flies that contaminate the ointment of development. One such a fly is the fly of poor parenting.

FLY 3: POOR PARENTING

The Past

The ability to deliberately and optimally stimulate and develop a child is not a skill parents are born with. It is a skill which is externally acquired, firstly by acquiring it from transformative parents and further by much learning, sharing and reading in later life. During Apartheid in South Africa, the now socio-economically disempowered population was deprived of access to educational, economic and other growth-stimulating opportunities. This system could be blamed for the disruption of many families, as men were forced to seek work as manual labourers in the mines and factories, while families often stayed behind in the townships allocated for black people. Often both parents were forced to find work in faraway “white areas” leaving their children behind in the care of illiterate grandmothers or immature siblings. In this way a whole generation of disempowered people were raised and they now continue to raise the next disempowered generation. The disempowered generation has now become parents, teachers and ministers and many of them lack the awareness and understanding of why challenges are necessary, while those who understand it, are rarely able to provide it appropriately.

The Present

Today in many cases poverty stricken families find themselves in a predicament in which both parents have to work for a living, leaving the children to fend for themselves or be brought up by mere basic care-giving grannies. The other alternative is to place the children in over-crowded crèches. A sad fact is that most often these crèches are run by compassionate, yet uneducated teachers without sufficient empowerment themselves.

In addition to this, one-parent families are sadly becoming the norm in our society, where fathers are mostly absent with the ensuing loss of discipline and a positive leadership role model. Given that parents cannot lead their children to a place they have not reached, the children remain disempowered. Ideally parents should focus on raising children that embrace the norms of society, and who strive to become independent and responsible citizens who apply their minds to solve life’s problems. In cases where parents cannot provide this stimulation, the schools are supposed to fill the gap. For most children however, the reality is that neither their parents nor the school system has the capacity to provide adequate developmental support.

The result is that the children do not develop as individuals but rather succumb to peergroup pressure, often resulting in a downward spiral of social, economical and moral decline.

The domino effect of poor parenting leads to poor self-esteem, lack of initiative and independent thinking, and an inability to take responsibility for personal actions. A typical crèche in the community; too many children, too few facilities and no volitional development.

“Even ability and talent well above the average may never declare themselves if adequate nurture or emotional support is lacking. The quality of family relationships, the emotional climate of the home, together with parental interest, encouragement and positive provoking, are of paramount importance in helping children to realise their potential” – Pringle, 1986:97 Cultural parenting beliefs also play a critical role in how parents see their role in raising and developing their children. Mary, the African woman in the previous case study explains her culture’s parenting predicament in the following words:

CASE STUDY: “OUR CULTURE”

“We put our children out in the sun. In our culture our children are not allowed to be often enough in the company of the adults, because both parents are afraid of the consequences. Children are masters in parroting behaviour and fathers are afraid to be confronted with their own lying and untruthful behaviour towards their wives. Mothers on the other hand are afraid that the children would be tainted by witnessing this destructive behaviour, so we allow children to be sent out of the adult company. We throw our children out to be educated by ‘rotten people’ in the streets. Because children are always sent away, they never learn from those who learnt the hard way. Where the children keep themselves occupied, they are exposed to all kinds of nonsense and never learn the recipe of life. These rotten children become parents without ever having had the chance to learn the recipe of life and they will then also send their children away like they have been sent away. And even if the children were allowed into their presence, they would have learned nothing, since the parents also didn’t learn the recipe of life. It is a never ending grim cycle.”